When you hire the DJ – keep in mind your grandmother will be in attendance

Know your audience.  Words to live by.  And words to share with your disc jockey.

We had a wedding and reception of a couple that came from a very strict religious background.  Their families, as it turned out, were also very strict with their religion.  There were several things that have become somewhat ‘normal’ in today’s culture, which will never be normal in certain religious cultures – i.e. living together, premarital sex, etc.  One should be extremely careful when assuming what is acceptable and appropriate in each family.

The DJ seemed to be holding his own.  Music was playing, people were dancing, it appeared that a good time was being had by all.  Then he grabbed the microphone and asked all of the girls who were holding keys to come to the dance floor (he had handed keys to several single girls prior to this request and told them he would call them up later).  He went into a big charade about all of the single girls’ hearts that were breaking and they all needed to return his apartment keys – he was off the market now; a married man.

(Insert the sound of crickets…)

The ‘joke’ was totally lost on this crowd.  Their religious culture was very specific as to no premarital anything.  Offspring lived with their parents until they were married.  Couples entered into their marriage covenants pure.  (Novel idea – I know…, but truly it still exists.  This I assure you.)

So… back to the DJ… Instead of realizing that he had blown this particular joke and moving on, he made a meager attempt at explaining the joke.  (Insert the sound of more crickets…)  I ran to his aid and suggested that he keep the music on and the microphone off.  It was the awkward moment of all awkward moments and the bride’s face was red the entire evening – she was concerned what her grandmother had thought of her.

Still on the topic of DJs, but onto different events – be aware that your grandmother (mother, aunt, church lady) will be in attendance.  Just because you downloaded the explicit version of your favorite song on your iPod, does not make it appropriate for public consumption.  I’ve been placed in the difficult position several times of the grandmother (mother, aunt, church lady) leaning over to me and saying, “WHAT did he just say?”  Some lyrics are rated MA (mature audience).  Even some of our most mature guests don’t appreciate the art of some music.  Please play accordingly.

My response when they ask?  “Oh… I’m not sure.  I don’t listen to this stuff.”  Even if it’s downloaded on my own iPod.

Did we forget something…?

It was my first event.  November 7, 1998.  I was a venue owner!  I owned my own business!  We had worked so hard to renovate our 1913 historic home and it was finally ready to host its first event.  I had arrived at my destination goal and I was a happy girl.

I knew very few things about events that day except that I loved doing them and I was going to quit my job soon and do this full time.

My bride was happy.  The bride’s mother was happy.  We got everyone dressed.  Everything was set-up and decorated – we were ready to go.  The photographer was snapping away with the camera and the groom was chewing off his fingernails.

We got through the ceremony with the precision of a well-oiled machine.  The reset between the wedding and reception went off without a hitch.  The bride and groom were smiling radiantly while the photographer finished snapping photos to commemorate this fabulous occasion (hers and mine).

We flowed flawlessly from the photographs into dinner.  The DJ was right on cue with the introductions of the bridal party and the new Mr. and Mrs.  This was so much fun!!  (Did I mention that I’m a venue owner?  And I now own my own business?)  I was the queen of my world!

The bride had chosen a Mexican buffet as her dinner offering.  Since we allow outside catering, they had taken care of it themselves.  It smelled wonderful and the guests were digging in with great delight.

I was standing there trying to look important, yet helpful when the first guest said, “Where can I find the drinks?”

“Ummmm… let me check for you,” I said as I looked around wondering to myself where they were.  Not finding any myself, I went to the caterer to ask.  With my inability to speak Spanish and her limited ability to speak English – we determined that drinks had not been ordered.  What?  How does that happen?  Didn’t you offer them? Yes, the bride said her mother told her to order food, but didn’t say anything about drinks.

As fun as the placing-the-blame game is to play, it still doesn’t change the fact that there are no drinks to be found anywhere.  And then the line started forming… “Can I get some water?”, “This food is really spicy, I need something to drink NOW!”, “What do you mean there are no drinks?”

It was like a bad dream with hoards of angry people with their mouths on fire coming at me with the gusto of the passengers on the Titanic looking for an available life raft.  I’M NOT TRAINED! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

So, this is where the rubber hits the road.  Grab a pitcher, grab a container of Countrytime lemonade, chip the ice from the bottom of the tray – let’s make something happen.  Send my husband to the small market across the street to get something wet – anything.  Just go.

The lemonade mix, the red gooey junk he found at the market, water and ice all went into a big bowl served in leftover birthday cups.  Tragedy averted.  Fires extinguished.  All is calm on the western front.

Now we ask… who is ordering the drinks?  Are you sure?  And just to make darned sure, I always follow up with the caterer prior to the event.  “No surprises” is an easier thing to manage than “adapt and overcome”.  We can do both, but we’re much more efficient about it now.

$99 wedding dresses – you may get what you pay for

It’s happened twice.  The first one I thought was a fluke.  The bride called me into her dressing room to tell me her zipper had come unzipped.  Upon closer inspection, I noticed that her zipper had come out completely.  The dress fit well, but was not too tight – but I thought perhaps she had strained it somehow by trying it on several times or something that would’ve caused wear.

With only moments to spare before the opening chord of “Here Comes the Bride”, I quickly produced some white thread and a long needle to sew her back into her dress.  Thankfully she didn’t have any reason to need her zipper for the remainder of the evening .  I had to give her groom instruction on how to get her out of it.  (His choices were scissors or rip the threads – I never asked which method prevailed; although I have a sneaking suspicion…)

The second time it happened was a very thin bride who was losing the shoulder stitching on a tank dress (not typically a high-stress area of clothing construction).  We discovered it as she was getting ready to walk down the aisle.  I suggested that she not breathe until she came back down the aisle and we would take care of it then.  Apparently she breathed, because when she got back to me – they were barely holding on.

Once again, I came armed with my white thread and needle and took to stitching her back into her dress.  There are several wedding pictures with me in them sewing her back in.

My first theory was that the manufacturer used a special thread that dissolved when heated up to body temperature, but that didn’t make much sense.  So, the only thing I can come up with is you just may get what you pay for.  As great as the $99 rack looks when planning a wedding on a budget – keep looking.  It may cause more grief that it’s worth.

Meet with your officiant – make sure he/she knows your name

It happens.  Brides and grooms plan the “wedding” – usually a general term used to describe the day, not the actual ceremony.  A lot of times, the ceremony gets overlooked as a minute detail.  This usually means that the officiant/minister/judge is trying to come up with your ceremony without any input from you.  If this is the case, your rights to be disappointed have been waived.

I had an Asian couple with unusual (for Americans) first names and single syllable last names.  Their officiant had never met them and was flying blind with their expectations.  (I will also add that he didn’t appear to be diligent in his own findings to make sure he got it right.)

Halfway through the ceremony, he confused himself as to which name belonged to which person.  He stared blindly at his book for what seemed like a long time – honestly, it was probably only 30 seconds that passed, but as dead air, it felt longer.  When he finally recovered from that, we all breathed a sigh of relief.

At the end of the ceremony, he invited the groom to kiss the bride and introduced them as Mr. and Mrs. McKenzie… Uh, what happened to the single syllable Asian last name?  The bride whispered to him (loud enough for the microphone to capture it), “That’s not our name!”  Once again, we got a blank stare and dead air.  The bride and groom finally gave up, we started the recessional music and they proceeded back down the aisle.

As we got back inside to sign the marriage license, the officiant did what any red-blooded American man would do… he blamed it on his wife.

DIY often spells D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R

Cake.  How hard can it be?  Flour, eggs, water and frosting – right?  Unless you’re a pastry chef, an engineer or an architect – this is not a place to cut corners or think you can do it yourself.

I have had more than one occasion where the bride and/or her family or well-meaning friend baked the wedding cake.  In theory it sounds like a relatively easy task – everyone has baked a cake, cupcakes or cookies in their lifetime.   But let me tell you, wedding cakes are a whole different animal.

I have cut into cakes of amateurs who thought they were doing the bride a favor and found a myriad of sins – ranging from using frosting to mask holes and gaps, to stuffing plastic bags into the voids then frosting over them.  Not to mention the use of wooden pencils and plastic knives to stack the cake with.

A well-baked and well-built wedding cake can stand alone.  It has been baked with a consistency that allows a little bit of weight to be placed on it (i.e. cake topper) and has been built to withstand the weight of itself (stacked cake with columns, etc).

We haven’t even talked about cake flavors and fillings yet… Pastry chefs know (through their training) what you can fill a cake with and what never works.  Betty Crocker’s intent was never to be used for a wedding cake.  And Smucker’s didn’t make strawberry jelly to be used as cake filling.  These two things together are a recipe for a disaster.  A boxed cake mix doesn’t hold together well and strawberry jelly cake filling turns into a drippy, runny mess that causes the cake layers to slip off each other.

There is also engineering and architecture that goes into a wedding cake.  Although it may look like the cake is stacked on itself – it truly is not.  There are very specific plates, spacers and columns used to make sure your cake stays where it should.

Also, many DIY bakers don’t realize that those cute little pearls used to dot the cake are actually edible.  I have picked many plastic pearls off a cake before I served it to guests.

Do yourself a favor – shop around, taste lots of cakes and thank your friend/aunt/mother/neighbor very politely and say “no, thank you” when they offer to bake your wedding cake.  Remember – it’s an important “Kodak moment” accessory and it needs to look great.  And it’s the last thing your guests will eat at your reception – don’t leave a bad taste in their mouths.

My Invitation Ink Doesn’t Match My Bridesmaid’s Dresses

It really happened.  Early in my career of wedding planning and owning my venue, I had a bride call me in tears begging me to let her come by the office.  (Of course, I thought the worse – break-up, bounced check, lost job, car accident, etc.)  I told her to get right in and we’ll figure out what needed to be done based on the crisis at hand.  When she got here, she shoved a beautifully embossed wedding invitation into my hand and blurted, “LOOK!”

I read it.  Then read it again – expecting to see a misspelling, or an ex’s name or something, but I couldn’t find anything wrong with it.  It was printed straight.  The spacing seemed to be fine.  I must have had a dumb look on my face because she then spouted, “The ink doesn’t match my bridesmaid’s dresses!”

Since I was holding the invitation, but not the bridesmaid’s dress – I couldn’t dispute this point with her.  But clearly she was upset about this.  The ink was black.  It wasn’t orange or turquoise or something blatantly obvious – just plain ol’ black.

So, in my effort to calm her down I told her how beautiful the invitation was, how well-worded it was, etc., etc. She continued to cry and point at it.  At my wits end I said, “Do you know what this means?!”

She sniffed and looked up.  (I’m sure she was expecting something brilliant…)

I said, “It means a DISCOUNT!”

She said, “What do you mean?”

I explained to her that because they had not been printed the way they had been ordered, the vendor owed her a discount or a reprint.  She opted for the discount.  Apparently, the color wasn’t as important as she had originally thought.